Name 3 major things in your life that make you tick, and why.

1. God - without faith and the assurance of salvation I would be as lost as a goose and have no direction to head in. God keeps me centered.

2. Steve - my husband. He's my knight in shining armor. He is there for me and is so good to me. He's a great husband and father.

3. My family - my family is my world. I love them so much. Getting together with them gets me focused on love and fun and spending time together and leaves the hustle and bustle of the world outside.

A week or so ago, I rambled on the topic of accepting myself and my size as just a part of me and began the process of liberating myself from the prison of self-judgement.

So far, so good.

I believe that women of all sizes (including me) deserve a chance to prove themselves to others as well as to themselves, based on character and deeds, rather than how they look. I have worked hard this week at not being disgusted with myself and have to say that it's been a good week.

The years of having an unhealthy relationship with my body, food and self-esteem are past me now, and I look forward to learning to treat my body well, feed it as it needs it, and boosting my self-esteem greatly.

Realizing that I deserve the respect and dignity that is afforded to any woman who has accomplished these things in life regardless of my size has just moved me into a place to where I am comfortable asking for what I need as well as into a place where I am no longer afraid of how I am perceived by others. I am a woman of worth, not only in God's eyes, but finally in my own.

I am so thankful for the size acceptance sites on the web. Reading the different sites have really helped me a lot in the last two weeks, and I look forward to reading more!

Self-esteem comes in all sizes.....

I'm learning that self-esteem comes in all sizes. It's truly a one-size-fits-all thing! Self-esteem shouldn't be based on how large (or small) you are.

I think size-esteem is a good way to put what I'm gravitating toward. I am tired of putting myself down just because of my size. I am a short, fat woman. My secret is out. I stand 5'4, and while I won't give you my weight number, I can tell you it's substantial enough to make me cringe when I see it written down.

I'm liberating myself from this prison of self-judgement. God loves me. My husband loves me. My family loves me. My friends love me.

Now, I love me.

On Childfree and Loving It...

I love my life and am beyond content with choosing to be childfree and living a childfree life. That being said, although I love children, I, too, resent the fact that many times I feel like people are trying to "guilt" me into "considering the kids". Why? My life does not revolve around them. Much as I like kids, I just don't feel a calling to be mother to them all. I like my space and don't buy into the fact that it takes a village and all that. It takes the people who need/want to actively participate in their lives (should start with family and go out from there in my opinion), not the ones who lead a different life.

My quiet time morning routine is reading the Bible (I'm in Matthew and Psalms right now) and prayer. It's so quiet and peaceful because I'm the only one up. I love that time and I guard it jealously.

This morning I was reading Matthew 3-4. This passage baffled me:

Matthew 3: 7-10: But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming to where he was baptizing, he said to them: "You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath? Produce fruit in keeping with repentance. And do not think you can say to yourselves, 'We have Abraham as our father.' I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham. The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire.

Were the Pharisees and Sadducees there hanging out and tormenting people or were they being baptized? It seems kind of mean of John the Baptist to say if they were coming to get baptized. I mean, you think you're doing something good and get called "a brood of vipers"?

Also, I loved re-reading Matthew 4. It was about the temptation of Christ in the wilderness. He was so strong and resolute in resisting and it really gives me hope and strength to draw on to resist when I am tempted to sin. It was also about Him preaching and calling the first disciples. Verse 24 says: News about him spread all over Syria, and people brought to him all who were ill with various diseases, those suffering severe pain, the demon-possessed, those having seizures, and the paralyzed, and he healed them.

He is such a gracious and loving Savior. Definitely the Great Physician!

After Midnight

I realized that I was awake when I saw the hour change on the clock. 2:00 a.m.

Why had I awakened? I listened carefully to the different sounds in the house.

Asleep in the bed beside me was my beloved husband. His almost rhythmic snoring indicated that his sleep was undisturbed. I got out of the bed and padded down the hall to check on my step-daughter. She, too, was soundly sleeping, snuggling comfortably beneath her favorite blanket made with love by her grandmother.

I laid back down to sleep the remaining few hours of the morning, but I was unable to re-enter dreamland.

I rose and made my way to the recliner, pulling an afghan over my lap. As I looked around the silent, dimly lit den, my eyes fell across items that I took for granted during the day.

The early morning hours somehow made them all look different.

I looked at the family portraits on the wall. Seeing our family together reminded me of our closeness. I felt blessed and told the Lord so.

My eyes fell on the bookshelf by the doorway. I saw Steve's Bruce Lee figures and remembered the smile on his face when he opened them as birthday presents.

I looked at the fireplace and was reminded of the gifts he had given me. Two porcelain dolls on the mantle, another on the hearth.

I remembered the night we bought our television. I remembered the fun we had picking it up.

I looked at the carpet, the sofa and the glider rocker.

Then I looked at my Bible. Picking it up, I read. I didn't read a specific chapter. I read a few of the underlined passages that God had used to speak to me in the past, and soaked them up once again.

Blessing upon blessing. I prayed and thanked God for my salvation, praising Him for the salvation of my family also. I asked for His protection for my family. I thanked Him for our jobs, for our extended families. I prayed about work and knew God was listening to my prayer. I almost heard an audible voice saying, "Sleep now, my child. You've seen what you needed to. My love and presence is in every part of your life, even when you are normally sleeping."

As I climbed back into bed almost an hour and a half later, my husband stirred. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing, honey. Nothing at all. Everything is right." I answered, rubbing his back.

He turned over and pulled me close to him, my head resting on his shoulder.

Yes, I slept. In less than five minutes I re-entered the sleep from which God had awakened me.

My opinions are changeable and I like that about me. I adapt and incorporate, not to be a willow, but the acorn of an already growing oak.
ã

Laurie

I am an incredibly selfish person. I realized this during prayer time this morning. I was praying for my grandmother and begging God to let her have one more Christmas with us. I remembered pleas from last year for the same thing.

I went to see Maw-Maw at the hospital last night and it broke my heart. Oh, we had a good visit, but Alzheimer's is a thief and a destroyer. She is winding down. I can tell. I really think something is up because my dad, who has a very very strong dislike for my grandmother and has NEVER spoken positively about him (strangely she still loves him, despite the emotional abuse and alcoholism that just about killed me) called me on my way from church to the hospital to ask me mom's cell phone number (which he knows) so he could call her and check on Maw-Maw. I was moved by his compassion but almost had to pull over the car when it hit me that he doesn't even like her. She must be bad off.

My visit with her was great. She was a little addled and confused, as are most Alzheimer's patients, and I had to repeat things like what church I went to, what I thought made her fall, assurances that she was going to be okay (oh, you think it was because of the dehydration? I never thought of that!) a gazillion times. I don't mind. I loved our visit and she was really more alert than she usually is and we even watched a television show together. She laughed at it at the appropriate times (and some not so appropriate - it was Who's Line is it Anyway) and followed the skits.

Still, I was depressed over our visit. She's weakening and she's starting to say things like, "I'm getting old, I guess. I can't remember anything anymore." She never used to say that. We were talking about church and she said she wanted me to take her to her church that she hasn't been to in years (she went right up until the time she was admitted to the retirement home and has gone a few times since then) and I promised her that as soon as she got better I would. She said she'd have to get her hair fixed first. Now that is Maw Maw, LOL!

Still, this morning as I prayed for her to get better I listed all the reasons I thought she should. Christmas being a big one, Kristyn's wedding in March, seeing the boys (I have 5 year old twin cousins) grow up and get a few years older, etc. I realized what an incredibly selfish person I was when I told God that I wish He'd let us keep her until Christmas.

I was suddenly dumbstruck by the absurdity of my prayer. Christmas and then what? Let her die after we've had our picture perfect wonderful family get-together or stick around for the New Year, Easter, her birthday, Mother's Day, repeat the same year over....I cried over this during prayer time this morning as I realized I had to surrender my grandmother to God (not that she already wasn't His but I surrendered to His will and not mine.) I'm not a boo-hooer. Well, I must be because I NEVER cry but I did a few weeks ago when I saw The Notebook. Anyway, I wept. I was so glad that no one was up. Wilson looked at me like, "You are one crazy woman!" but he let me hold him and love on him. That was comforting.

I have a reassurance that God is in control and if He wants her to be with us at Christmas she will. If He wants me to focus more on Him and less on family at Christmas then He has gotten my attention. God is good and His mercies never fail. When we falter, as I did in my selfishness, He waits with loving arms and holds our heads against His chest so we can hear His heartbeat and get back in rhythm with Him. I feel more centered after my surrender this morning. Much more peaceful and confident that God's will is best, not mine. Yes, it can be painful but God is there to heal our hurts and wipe away our tears and draw us closer to Him when we need it.

I was 15 minutes late for work this morning!

My reasons are valid, I believe. They include, but are not limited to:

1. Trying to get a puppy out from under the bed so I could check his stitches.

2. Husband let above-mentioned puppy outside and he went wild with glee at the roofers working on the next door neighbor's house. He just wanted to catch the shingles they were throwing off the roof. There was a pursuit by said husband, some colorful words said to puppy who led him on a great chase and either wore himself out from being weak or just plain gave up the marathon running because of the words, which included stop, kill, ticked off, and you better get your %$@ back in the house right now!!!!!!

3. Roofers in the street, going back and forth to their trucks with wheel barrows. I know pedestrians have the right-of-way but come on!

4. A loud police siren and Officer Friendly reminding me that tapping my break at the stop sign and just going on didn't qualify as coming to a complete stop. He was really nice, though. He said, "I know it's busy in the neighborhood and that you're in a hurry, but we have to encourage safety." Big time thanks that whoever was on the other end of his CB said nice things about me and I wasn't ticketed.

5. A quick stop by Chevron for breakfast proved eventful. Above-referenced husband stepped out of the car before me and I noticed his britches were split, probably from chasing puppy referenced in reasons 1 and 2.

6. Quick trip home to let hubby change.

7. A freakish amount of traffic on the highway.

“ Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails. ”- Proverbs 19:20-21

This was the Verse of the Day on www.biblegateway.net's website.

I think about the number of times that I say I'm going to do something and the door slams shut in my face, or the times I say, "No way!" and end up having the best time of my life.

God's purposes always prevail. He has led me through valley's, mountains, deserts, stormy seas, and drifting in the clouds at different times in my life.

May I always listen to His instruction and trust that His will will prevail in my life, not mine.

In a group I'm in, a friend posted this, "What about your struggles? Is there any chance, any possibility, that you have been selected to struggle for God's glory? Have you "been granted for Christ's sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for Him, but also to suffer for His sake" (Philippians 1:29)?

::::::: I thought I lost a very good friend for not backing down from my religion. She referred to God as the Sky Fairy. In the past we had always respected each other's right to believe what we believe. She just went right past that and attacked my God. I had no choice but to distance myself from her. When I did, I lost a lot of friends. One stuck by my side. Thanks, friend. You know who you are. I missed my friends so much. We'd have get-together's once a year and I was no longer able to attend since I listened to God and reconciled my marriage. They thought I was a loon for going back to my husband. God restored my marriage. Again, only one of those friends believed in me or respected my choice. Thanks, friend. And thanks, God, for sticking by my side. Though I suffer for You, You always bless me and that is my reward.

One of the first websites I visit when I first get on the computer each day is www.cnn.com. They are very good about covering "Breaking News" and I like to see if anything happened overnight that will affect my little corner of the world. CNN is not only a news organization but an outlet for humor also.

For instance, this morning, at http://www.cnn.com/2005/POLITICS/09/28/delay/index.html, I read, "House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, a California Democrat, described congressional Republicans as "plagued by a culture of corruption."

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Let me translate this for you.

Nancy Pelosi calls The Republican Side of Congress. (Their number is unlisted because of prank calls by the likes of her.) She says, "Hello kettle, this is the pot. You're black!"

My Testimony

I grew up in a Christian home. My mother sang of Jesus and read to me of Jesus before I even knew who she was talking about. I never remember a time of "not" knowing Jesus. I grew up singing of His love for me, my love for Him, Him having the whole world in His hands, Him loving the little children, loving him because He first loved me, and I never doubted that He did that.

I don't ever remember "not" being in church. Mother and Daddy both made sure we were there every time the doors opened. They taught us about giving - I was always excited to put my quarters in the offering plate or in the envelope at Sunday School, and although I knew I was supposed to do it I didn't know why.

I grew up in the church. Sunday School, Mission Friends, GA's, Acteens, Youth Group, Church Choir, you name it, I was into it. I loved church. When I graduated from children's church to big church I remember the first time mother let me go to the sanctuary. The preacher preached on Isaiah 55 and when the preacher read, "Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? and your labour for that which satisfieth not?" I raised my hand to answer him, LOL! I knew the answer and I wanted him to call on me so I could tell him that I knew that nothing satisfies us but God.

I looked for Jesus in church, because that's where mama said He lived. I knew He lived in my heart, too, but I wanted to see Him in His house and remember being disappointed that He was a no-show during the service.

When I was about 8 years old, after a particularly firey sermon that involved a fist banging on the pulpit, the invitation was given. A friend from school trotted down the aisle and I went right behind her. I wanted some of whatever she was getting. The preacher talked to me and I believe with all my heart that I was saved. I was baptized and so happy.

In my teens I began to not be as close to God as I was when I was younger. I was still in church but I was at the age to where mother no longer held me and rocked me and sang of His love for me anymore. I had a Bible that was opened on Sundays and Wednesday nights and maybe Saturday evening to go over my SS lesson for the next day. When I was about 14 the preacher asked a (what I now understood!) rhetorical question. It was, "If you died in a wreck after you left church right now where would you spend eternity?" Well, I wasn't sure at all. I mean, surely God would take me but after my teenage angst and ugliness? Not so sure about it the more I thought of it. I responded to the invitation and asked Jesus to be my Lord and Savior. I went through some rough patches in life where I didn't not believe in Him but you sure couldn't have known He was a part of my life by the way I acted.

Around the age of 17 we went to a retreat called Faith Week. I recommited my life to Him and have been assured of my salvation ever since. My walk with God has taken different lanes in life but I have always known He was beside me and will never leave me or forsake me. My whole trust is in Him and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He loves me and gave His life for me. He moved from my heart to my heart of hearts. He filled my mind, my heart, my very being with Himself and His love for me and made me want to share it with others.

Not a very powerful testimony but it's Him. It's all about Him. I guess it's more powerful than I thought when I put it that way.

Yesterday was the first day of first grade. I dressed her, packed her lunch, fixed her hair and stood at the end of the driveway, placing a little homemade yarn necklace with a picture of a school bus around her neck that said, "My name is Kristyn and I ride bus number 2." When I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up she said that she wanted to be the one who picked up the garbage or drive the mail truck to deliver mail to her family.

Today, she got up, dressed herself, fixed her lunch, hopped in the car and went off to college. Now she wants to be a chef and is double majoring in culinary arts and restaurant management.

YIKES!

Where did the time go?

::::::: As a fellow sufferer I can tell you that I understand what you are saying here. It has nothing to do with being stronger. We are as strong in the Lord as we can be when we put all our efforts and faith and hope into Him. We trust Him. We love Him. We know He wants the best for us and is able to do anything.

We can use words and prayers to fight depression, but when the huge waves start coming in due to something beyond our capacity to control (chemical imbalances, medicine getting off track, etc.) we find that we have to just pray what we can pray and trust God to help us do what we can to get through it.

Perhaps depression is our "thorn in the flesh" (2 Co 12:7-10). If so, then it's not going anywhere. It's there and although it can be brought under control it spirals sometimes. It just does. We have to rely on Jesus to intercede for us when we cannot do it ourselves. In the middle of the storm we have to call on God but row away from the rocks in the best way that we are able. He steps in when we are unable and carries us through those times.

The important thing that I think we all know about depression is that there are different types. I tend to group them into:

Sand and Gravel - circumstantial - caused by things like pms, Satan attacking, emotional issues, things that can get better with time and prayer and go away

and

Concrete - God's got the only jackhammer big enough to bust it up from our chemically imbalanced bodies

Both are real forms of depression and are equal as far as the severity it can cause the courses of our emotions and lives to take, but there are just times that sand and gravel can be swept up easier than concrete busting.

Father,

During tonight's revival service the pastor said that one of the characteristics of a person who seeks God is "forgiveness". He said that forgiveness meant treating the person who wronged you as though that accident never happened. You can never forget, but it's in the way you treat them. Is this right? Lord, it sounded right, because it stepped on my toes so bad. Father, help me to forgive Kim. Truly forgive her.

In Jesus name I pray.

It is easier to be silent altogether than to speak with moderation. Thomas a Kempis

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On Forgiving and Forgetting...

Although it is hard to lay the issues aside and forgive the person in a major upset, I think it can be done, even if the person doesn't acknowledge that they hurt you. Accepting the preson's behavior and acknowledging that you are hurt by it is a step toward forgiveness. I think when we sometimes think that when we forgive someone we are automatically supposed to be happy and balance is restored to our universe. Oh no. That's not the case at all.

We have to look at the true meaning of forgiveness. My buddy Webster defines forgiveness this way:
1. To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.
2. To renounce anger or resentment against.
3. To absolve from payment of (a debt, for example).

Excusing or pardoning someone for a major issue is out for me. I just cannot do it. That has to be left up to God. I can handle renouncing the anger and resentment, but only after a period of time. When someone hurts you, you cannot, or at least *I* cannot say, "No hard feelings over the breaking of our vows, dear. The papers are in the mail and I'll see you around." I can't live a happily ever after life after I have been just hurt to the core for a period of time. It takes lots and lots of prayer and attitude adjusting. Eventually I am able to let go of the anger and resentment others inflict on me because that anger and resentment eat me up.

The third definition, absolving from payment of (a debt, for example) comes easier to me. I think about what God did for me with Jesus and it's pretty easy to let go of that need to make someone who has apologized a million times over squirm under my, "I just cannot believe you did this to me!" thumb.

Forgetting........oh my. I just don't think we have the capacity to do that. God does, though. He can help us let it sting a little bit less as time goes by, until eventually we are okay with things.

My dad ripped our family wide open through alcoholism. It took me a long time to get over the resentment of it and to be able to say, "You know what, Daddy? I forgive you." He never asked for my forgiveness because he openly will not acknowledge that he is the one who is responsible for living by himself now. My mother took it for years and years, 30 something, to be exact, and she finally got out of Dodge. I don't make Da Chief (daddy) fight for my love and affection or kind words or phone calls, but I haven't forgotten what happened. It's more like I am at peace with it now because I made a decision to adopt the attitude, "It is what it is." I'm okay with that.

Matthew 10: 29-31 reads: Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

I thought about this this morning during quiet time. Question: Thank you so much for loving me that much. Did you give me a set number or have to count them after I had them? Lord, that's a lot of counting!

Love,
Laurie

The Joys of My Day

1. Questioned whether the advertising executive who thought up the bear butt's for the Charmin commericial ever got fired. Bring back Mr. Whipple!

2. Researched and found out that the "f" word or variations thereof were used 189 times in the movie "Monster" - the Aileen Wournos story.

3. Witnessed my former high school typing and history teacher, who was later to be my co-worker, at The Mellow Mushroom, chugging beer.

4. Answered 84,000 the question, "Great to see you back! Where have you been?" to everyone who asked me why I was out from work for the last week and a half. The story kept getting shorter and shorter and now the response is ultimately, "I was on sick leave, some kind of rash."

5. Decided to boycott Oprah. I hate Tom Cruise and she should have never had him on her show. Yeah, I've been ruminating on it *that* long!

6. Patiently allowed my husband to say, "Dipluma" (rather than di-ploam-uh) without correcting him once. Sometimes they just need to be allowed to speak freely, ya know?

7. Tried to open my office window so I could step out on the ledge for a smoke break but realized it was for my own good that I couldn't go out there as I was so mad at a lady I explained the travel policies to so clearly that 4 year old would have understood and would have probably fallen over the edge from shaking - yes, I was that frazzled!

8. Thought about how much fun Lynda and I had at Bubba and Gerald's when I visited her in Austin. Those were the days!!!!!!!!!!!

9. Realized that Dick Clark is finally beginning to show his age. This made me sad. :-(

10. Saw these big M&M's and thought, "I hope they still have them when I'm in the mood for chocolate." It will be my luck that they don't, but giant M&M's? What more could a girl want?