A Magnolia's Heart Beats

Friday Funnies is hosted by Kim at Homesteaders Heart. Please head over there by clicking on the button above to visit others and be sure to post you funny! Here are a few of my favorites for the week.

Allergies

I took my young son to the doctor for a routine physical. All the way I had to reassure him that he would not be getting a shot. He went through his eye exam, hearing test, etc. The nurse came into the exame room and started to ask me routine questions. When she got to "Is he allergic to anything" my four year old son stood up and said " YES, I'm allergic to shots!"

Too Much TV

One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of preschoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading was There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly. After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, "Do you think she'll die?"

"Nope," a little girl in the back said. "I saw this last night on Fear Factor."

Bathroom Break

On the first day of school, about mid-morning, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."

A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

Minding Her Manners

Catching her in the act, I confronted our 3-year-old granddaughter, "Are you eating your little sister's grapes?" I demanded.

"No," she innocently replied, "I'm helping her share."

Lost & Found

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag. When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse. "We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."

As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do it."

Coin Toss

By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked.

"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game."

"How long could that have taken you?"

"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."

Learning Colors

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door and said, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

Here's Your Sign (Bill Engvall Jokes)

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one ofthose side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and said,"Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine,we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. Myfriend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning. No problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he says "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig, then back to him and said, "No I'm delivering a bridge...Here's your sign!"

You know, I was watching one of them animal shows on Discovery Channel, and there was some guy inventing a shark-bite suit. There's only one way to test that... " Now we want you to jump in, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you!" Here's your sign.

Well, myu wife and I were trying to sell our car about a year ago. Well, some guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. He gets back to the house, gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Dang, that's hot!" See, if he would have been wearing a sign, I could have stopped that. Here's your sign.

Happy Friday, ya'll!