A Magnolia's Heart Beats

Friday Funnies

Welcome to Friday Funnies, hosted by Kim at Homesteaders Heart. Fridays are always a good day for a chuckle! Thanks to Kim for hosting this meme each week. Be sure to visit her sight for more funnies and link up and share your own by clicking on the button above.

Free Will

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.

When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes".

The Passport

Before she died, an old lady wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors. She went to the Federal Office and asked for a passport.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," the passport clerk said. "Raise your right hand, please." The senior citizen raised her right hand as the clerk asked, "Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, domestic or foreign?"

The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled as she responded, "Well, I guess so, but ... will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?"

Hair Treatment

Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times.

That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye?"

And you know I have to throw in some redneck ones...

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .

. . . your front porch collapses and four or more dogs die.
. . . you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
. . . you’ve got more than three cousins named “Bubba”.
. . . you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
. . . you’ve ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
. . . you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
. . . the strongest smell in your house is butane.
. . . you think paprika is a Third World country.
. . . you have a bumper sticker that says, “My mother’s an honor student” at the local junior high.
. . . you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre.
. . . you have no hubcaps on your car because you’re using them to feed your hunting dogs.
. . . you’ve ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.
. . . your kids’ favorite bedtime story is “Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.”
. . . you time your belches to achieve a personal best.
. . . there’s graffiti on the bathroom wall in your own house.
. . . your best coon hound gets a birthday present and your wife doesn’t.
. . . you think a manicure is some kind of French doctor.
. . . you took your coon dogs on your honeymoon.
. . . you think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.
. . . you quit your job because deer season’s fixin’ to start.
. . . your gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”
. . . the UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
. . . you think beef jerky and Moonpies are two of the major food groups.
. . . you and six of your neighbors split a cable bill.
. . . you prefer car keys to Q-tips.
. . . any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.
. . . you always thought “Guns and Roses” was something you get for your anniversary.
. . . your deer stand has an address.
. . . you’ve ever taken a date flowers you’ve stole from a cemetery.
. . . your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off.
. . . your toothbrush is a hand-me-down.
. . . you’ve ever had a conversation about truck tires that lasted more than an hour.
. . . you think people who have electricity are uppity.
. . . there are four pairs of pants and two squirrels hanging from your clothesline.
. . . the auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.
. . . you consider tattooing a do-it-yourself job.
. . . you buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.
. . . you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
. . . you select a date’s corsage to match her tattoo.
. . . your Christmas tree has a deer stand in it.
. . . chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns.
. . . the best 5 years of your life were in the second grade.
. . . you have the bail bondsman on speed dial.
. . . you have more insurance on your hunting dog than you do on your house.
. . . you've been on TV more than 5 times describing what the tornado sounded like.
. . . your lawn mower gets better millage than your car.
. . . you shop lift from a yard sale.
. . . you miss your 5th grade graduation becasue your are called for jury duty.
. . . your sister is also your aunt.
. . . the library in your city ran out of the book "The ABC's of Belching".
. . . you know exactly how many cans of spray paint it takes to paint a 1976 full size Chevy truck.
. . . your Sunday vest is green and consists of three different fishin' lures.

Happy Friday, ya'll!

"A cheerful heart is good medicine," ~ Proverbs 17:22a (NIV)