Tuesday, June 03, 2008

"In Other Words Tuesday" is hosted by Lori today. She's here at:

I love this week's quote. Have you ever faced a brick wall in your life? If you haven't, let me ask a teasing question, "Is there room in your plastic bubble for me?"

I used to see brick walls as obstacles. I'm no longer conviced of that. Going through infertility and pregnancy loss has convinced me that the brick walls in my life are opportunities.
When I came to the brick wall of infertility, I had two options. I could let my life come to a screeching halt or I could find a way through it.
Having my life come to a screeching halt was *not* an option for this Mississippi girl. I didn't know exactly how, but I was going to break through this brick wall in my life. Slowly I developed a plan.
Measuring the Wall
I studied this wall. I measured it, found out it really was a wall made of immovable brick, and tried to find out how thick it was. I thought long and hard about how this wall got there.

To really study the wall, I had to study God. Did He know about it? Yes. God is fully aware of all the things in my life. In measuring the wall, I sought God's will. That's what measuring the wall is all about, really. In doing so, you prepare a better plan of action for how to proceed. Luke 11:9-10 promises, "So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened." If we truly seek God's will, we will find it. I rose early and prayed every morning. EVERY morning. I didn't miss. I pleaded my case for a child, asked for wisdom as to whether I should go through treatment, and ultimately turned the "wall" over to the Lord. I gave it to Him. This brought me to the next step...
Preparing for Demolition

I felt a green-light from God to go ahead with treatment. I was ready to tackle this wall. It wasn't going to slow me down. God assured me He was with me, regardless of the outcome of the treatment. I felt in my soul that to not try treatment to demolish the wall was to give up completely, and God assured me that relying on medicine was not an affront to Him. I still believed in His sovreignty and knew regardless of the outcome He would be worthy of praise. I went on some pretty potent stuff to try to conceive. I used a BBT and we did the baby-dance at the appropriate times. I ate healthier, went on vitamins, and still prayed.
Going Through to the Other Side
8 years later there was still no baby. I wasn't not even through the wall, but I thought I was. What was holding me back? The belief that I would not have a true connection with my husband unless I had a baby. 1 year after our miscarriage the verdict was in. I was not as faithful as I thought I was. I began to be obsessed. Doubled the double-dose of drugs and was scared I'd have a litter all at once, I sat down one day with my husband and said, "We're done. We are through the other side. This wall we have been relying on God to tear down is down. We've got to stop."

God was so faithful. Did I get the baby? No, but I turned it over to God and He showed me in so many ways that I had grown spiritually because I had spent so much time with Him in prayer. He showed me how the prayers had affected not only my reliance on Him with the baby that was not to be, but also how I had turned so many other things over to Him and how I wouldn't be as close to Him in prayer as I am now had I not gone through that brick wall.
I never felt like that wall was in my life for no reason at all. It was a lesson learned in prayer and faith.
Once the wall was demolished, I was rewarded. How? With a hysterectomy! At age 29 I stopped having, er, well, you know, and have been free in so many other ways. I have confidence that I can come to God with anything and He will hear my prayer. Some prayers take years to be answered, and the answers sometimes come in forms you never imagined.
I desired a "yes" answer and got "wait" in response. Eventually a "no" was given, yet still feel content with the answer.
And now I realize - I never demolished that brick wall. God did.

P. S. I got my wish to have a child, I just didn't get to keep her. She's in Heaven with God, born July 20, 1998. I'm okay with it. God has blessed me with a bonus daughter I love like a biological one, a grandson, Baby Nolan, who is 9 mos. old, and Baby Liam, grandson expected November 1.


lori said...

Ok...this is just a little crazy for me...First my name IS Lori Ann...and I too struggled with infertility...for years..and I saw the wall..At the time, I tried too hard to climb it by myself...God had a work to do in me...and looking back, that WALL was placed there for so many reasons that today I see much more clearly....
The walls are there to show us how faithful HE is...you are so right...answers come in
"forms that you never imagined."


Thanks for joining us today...it's been a blessing, your perspective...
and from one Lori Ann to another..Peace on the journey!!


Tracy said...

This was such a moving post! There are few struggles more difficult to bear than infertility. It's beautiful to read the way you've submitted to the Lord's will, the peace He has given you, and the way this journey has drawn you ever closer to Him. How precious He has provided the special relationship between you and this young woman you love like a daughter as well as her children.


Denise said...

This was very heart touching, I understand the pain of infertility. I fought that battle for 16 years.

Anonymous said...

First, I love your question about the bubble at the beginning!! Gotta love people that think they don't have any problems.

I love how you have this post laid out. Very methodical in measuring the wall, preparing to destroy it, an eventually getting to the other side.

I went through a very short period of infertility but it seemed like an eternity. I know on some small scale the frustration and begging that goes out in those prayers. I even teared up a little bit reading this, remembering that and knowing that some people have it so much worse than I ever did.

Thanks for sharing your heart. I know this must have been a hard post to write. It truly blessed me reading it.

As I was preparing my comment I saw that my blog is linked over there!! That just made my day. I'm glad you enjoy mine!! I have loved my visit to yours!! Have a wonderful day!!

Michelle Bentham said...

Laurie Ann,

You have a beautiful heart (and a beautiful Blog - I love your "place"!) And, if I had not had any brick walls in my life, I would gladly make room in my plastic bubble for you.

Your post is beautifully written and full of practical and useful insight that lends godly perspective the issues of walls.

May God bless you richly for sharing your wisdom and experience with us.

In addition to that, I would like to tell you how my heart resonated with yours when you wrote about your baby and her being in God's care in heaven. I had a miscarriagne some years ago, but more recently I have experienced the loss of my 17 year old son. In it I have found God's grace, mercy and comfort and His unfailing love to be so real. I have begun a blog for grieving moms... I pray you will stop by and visit. You are a treasure.


Maisie said...

Oh what a story that was. That was a doozy of a brick wall for you. It's wonderful that you are content with God's answer and that the whole struggle brought you closer to Him. I think that there are many women that would have turned from the Lord and blamed Him.

Dawn said...

Your WFW really hit home today. I'm going to come back and read it again later when I can really get into your post. (off to a meeting) I'm so scared..we're trying to get prenant (been trying for a year now and nothing) and...I just think I need to read this post again. Thank you so much for sharing!!!!

Chris said...

I so understand the pain of infertility, and the joy of adopting children-we have been blessed with 3 angels from God sent directly to us from international countries-the desire to parent never leaves, and there are always other options other than biological!