A Magnolia's Heart Beats

Friday Funnies are a hoot and a half to me. Ya'll go visit Kim at Homesteaders Heart, the hostess of this laugh-out-loud meme. I guarantee a smile and laughter if you do. Here's my contribution.

In keeping with the spirit of illness (I have The Cold), I thought I'd share some funnies from actual medical records.


Actual Medical Records

A collection of documentation statements actually found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we are afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

The skin was moist and dry.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. (Note: one of my most embarrassing moments was shortly after Steve and I were married. I had the flu and we worked in the same building. I went downstairs to get the car keys from him and he met me out in the hall. I told him I was sick and headed home. At the same time he said, "You sure were hot in bed last night." a man named Sam M. walked around the corner. He still works in state government and 16 years later I have yet to be able to look him in the eye.)

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.